There's this practice called Circling1 that I do sometimes. I remember before I did it the first time I tried to get a sense of what it was like: Why do people do this? Are there mistakes that I can learn to avoid? There wasn't much I found written that I found that useful, with the exception of this post from Aella and this other one from Tasshin Fogleman.

[1]. Circling is a registered trademark so one can find similar practices by other names like Relatefulness (in the Bay Area)

When I explain Circling I do it by analogy: in most conversations we talk about things other than "us here and now". I may be explaining something to you about aging research or you may be telling me a story about how you met your boyfriend, or we may be making plans to travel to Japan. In circling, we talk about "us here and now". That's it.

So to put it in definition-y terms: "Circling is a communicational practice where participants share their present-moment experiences, feelings, and observations about themselves and others in the group, while focusing exclusively on what's occurring in the here and now." This could be done in pairs, in groups, or with more or less heavy handed facilitation.

But this is like explaining the game of Go by saying "Go is a game where players alternate placing black and white stones where you encircle your opponent's stones [etc]". In a way yes, that's what it is. But it misses out on the emergent order implied by such a simple set of rules.

Banning (in some strict circles) or gently nudging people away from (in more informal ones) non-present discourse still leaves quite a few things you are allowed to say:

  1. How you feel (I'm tired, I'm bored)
  2. How things other did or said made you feel (Hearing you say that made me feel angry; I'm surprised he just left the room, that interaction from earlier between you two was entertaining)
  3. How others seem to you (You seem amused; you haven't said anything in the last hour)
  4. Explanations for your seemings and feelings, often offered explicitly as your own as opposed to things you are asserting as true about them (You keep looking at each other, and I have a story that you two knew each other before coming here; you seem bored, I am wondering if that's because you were expecting others to ask about you)
  5. Your desires (I want to see you talking more, I have a desire for you to ask me something)

This list is not exclusive but it is enough to give you an idea of the moves that are available.

At first it seems shocking that just with this you could go for an hour or two! But you can indeed. A brief sequence may go:

Person A: I am curious about why you are talking so much, I have a story that you like being the center of attention

Person B: Hearing that I feel attacked but also feel ashamed of feeling that way because you may be right and I may be reluctant to accept it

Person C: I feel great curiosity towards Person A and I don't think he was talking so much; I want to hear him say more.

Person B: That made me feel appreciated

Person A: I notice I have a story that you (Person C) said that just to make Person B feel better.

Or another may be:

Person A: I'm happy that you feel better now

Person B: Hearing that I too feel happy

Person C: I too feel that way

Person D: Yeah the circle feels happier now

Person E: I found the expressions of happiness four times in a row a bit repetitive and I wish we talk about something else

Person F: I feel slightly sad that you didn't continue the happiness chain and I have a desire for you to join

Person E: It's funny that you said that as that also breaks the happiness chain but also I feel slightly angry that you want to control what I do

You will notice that in these examples the participants are saying things that are uncommon to say in other contexts like "I feel angry [at that thing you desire]". But you are not required to say anything unusual! You can sit there for two hours without saying anything (that was my first circling experience, I did exactly that). You could have a thought that goes "I could say X but Y person might think it's mean". The same set of choices available outside of Circling are available in Circling:

  1. You can just say X
  2. You can not say X and say something unrelated about the present momen instead
  3. You can stay silent
  4. You can express your fear that if you say X then Y will think it's mean

(4) is a quintessential circle-y move: going one level up in the conversation. If you do this what typically will happen is that the other person will appreciate that you are being mindful about their feelings.

Why would you want to try Circling? There are a couple of reasons:

  1. To get more comfortable with saying what you actually think. If you struggle with say leaving a conversation because it is boring (and you're afraid to tell your interlocutor), seeing over and over how others state their feelings and desires fearlessly will help you bring some of that into the rest of your life.
  2. To be more self-aware. Related to the earlier point: it is one thing to say what you think without shame but some thoughts or desires you have may be hidden from your conscious self so you can't even talk about them! Circling accepts your thoughts and desires as they are as well as narrows down what you can attend to, so it's easier to notice more about what's going on in you.
  3. To learn to be more present. If you tend to talk and think a lot about "stuff" as opposed to feelings or what's present, you can get your reps at this by circling.
  4. To be more spontaneous. In Circling, what you say has to be about what's present. But to many (including myself) you may have many thoughts and a meta-thought that then goes to analyze what to say and by the time you have chosen it's too late, the circle has moved on and you can't say that anymore. In this sense it's similar to the meditative practice of Noting.
  5. For entertainment. It's interesting to see the dynamics that emerge from Circling.